so i’m at this place in my life where, for the first time, i don’t get tension pains anymore. i finally have accepted my life as it is and i’m learning to love it and make sure that i make the best of things. but i’m also at that place where i need a friend. it’s not that i don’t have lots of absolutely beautiful friends who would make time for me in an instant, but i need one that has known me for a long time. one that i don’t have to explain everything to. but i no longer have one of those friends and it’s difficult to accept. especially when i want that so badly it hurts almost. oh well! 

i think it’s because i’m genuinely happy for the first time i think in a very long time. i’m a different person. well, not really. but i like who i’ve become. of course i still have a lot more growing and learning to do, but i finally know what i want out of life. i made myself sit down one day and i made a list of goals that i want to accomplish in my life. it made me feel very grown-up, but in all honesty, it was probably one of the best things i’ve done for myself in a long, long time. i realized that i was completely miserable in engineering and that it would never take me where i wanted to go in life. so i switched majors. again. but i’m happy. and i look forward to classes next semester! that in itself is completely amazing. so while i have my future under some sort of control, it’s other areas i’m beginning to get concerned about.

so i was randomly going through an old “journal” of mine and came upon my “shopping list for him.” for those of you who have no idea what that means, let me explain…. when i was in middle school, i was in an all-gals bible study concerning purity in young ladies. in the course of this study, we had to make a shopping list of the qualities we wanted in our husbands. while s few of the things have stayed the same, i think my overall list has changed pretty drastically. i feel like college and the experiences i’ve had meeting and being around some of the guys here have helped shape the person i hope to spend a long time with. but who knows? i could just be silly again…. so here’s my list so far:

• he’s got to have the ability to make me laugh, really laugh. laugh like i haven’t in a long time.
• broad shoulders are dreamy. and steamy. but not necessarily a must i don’t guess….
• he’s got to be clean. and i’m not talking just hygiene. i’m talking about not leaving empty cans and food around, picking up after himself, and taking out the trash. there has to be at least one or two guys out there that will do those things…
• he has to be able to dish out and take some sarcasm. i mean, my family is pretty mean to each other in that respect and we don’t handle weaklings well. (but we’re not that mean….)
• he has to be able to look at me across the room and be able to read me. does that make any sense at all? it does to me, but i’m a little silly sometimes…
• he has got to be able to cook his own meat. i know that sounds weird, but a guy that can cook is a huge turn-on. ha ha. am i right? plus, i don’t eat meat, so if he wants it he’ll have to make it himself.
• not to sound mean, but the bloke has to be smart. i’m not looking for a genius, just someone that matches me. and i’m pretty average. 
• he has to be chill. i don’t like confrontation or tough issues unless completely necessary, but i do like deep conversations. i’m just a really chillax and don’t handle intense boys well. 
• if he lets me win, i will punch him in the face. end of story. unless he lets me and i don’t know it. that is perfectly acceptable. 
• and you know what is really important, but really subtle? smell. i know how weird that sounds, but i have to like his smell. and everyone has a particular smell, his just has to be right. 
• if he’s gonna put up with me, he sure as heck better be playful…. ha ha… 

so there you have it! the short but concise, never quite finished shopping list for him! 

so me being the silly Tech gal i am, i have a tendency to think in silly analogies… so here’s my latest one:

does newton’s third law apply to the heart? does a heart at rest stay at rest unless acted upon? so my heart is a little bit confuzzled right now… its all asunder. the worst part is that my besties are all having tough times right now too, and i want to be there for them. they mean the world over to me, and i would give all i have to make them happy. but does it make me a hypocrite to tell them one thing when i know good and well that i should be doing the same thing? right now i’m just so confused….. i have so many things going on in my busy little head, and i just wanna talk them out and listen. i want someone to just tell me what to do. i do realize, however, that this is completely illogical. but i’m just stuck…. if i leave, what do i do with the relationships i’ve formed. and what about the one’s that are beginning? is it selfish to want to keep myself from getting hurt? i mean, i don’t want to be silly, but i’m also afraid of hurting someone else the way i’ve been hurt in the past. and that sucks. oh well…. God cclearly has a plan, i’m just biding my time til He let’s me know what’s going on……  

 -”Ghost” Indigo Girls  this song is pretty much my anthem at the moment…. never have i heard lyrics i related so well to. it wrecks havoc to my soul, but i think it’s worth it… 

sorry i’m so behind… life at the moment is a bit hectic and craziness. i should definitely make time for myself. ha ha… so i decided the other day that i want to be one of those old ladies who wears fur coats and treats her pet of choice like a member of her family. only my pet, instead of being the typical cat or dog, will be something not of the norm. like…a….ferret! or….a goldfish! or…..maybe even a miniature pony! how great would that be? and my fur coat wouldn’t be real fur. that’s not very nice. unless it was made of roadkill animals. would that be acceptable? or just weird? hmmm….i should probably figure that out before i get to be an old lady….. and instead of people referring to me as “the crazy lady with the little pony and the fur coat,” i would prefer “eccentric” or “intensely enthusiastic.”  maybe even “passionately excited.” not too much to ask, eh? and i’ll grow tulips and poppies. and my doors and windows will be painted an extravagant color that may or may not correspond to the rest of the house. and i’ll wear pearls all the time. even if it’s raining. oh man…. i can’t wait to get old and be passionately excited about everything! anyone want to join me? could be interesting…. 

i sadly realized today that some people just suck. i mean, is it really necessary to lie to people to get them to do what you want? how selfish can a person be?! ugh!  whew…. now that i got that out of my system, i feel much better…. you know, not all people are bad. since i’ve been at school, i have met some of the most amazing people in the world. take bethany, who drives us to bell practice on wednesdays. not only did she introduce me to the indigo girls, but she was there for me when i was having guy troubles. and every wednesday on the way to and from practice, she vents to us. and i love it! i love being able to just sit and listen to her talk for a little while once a week. i look forward to it every time. and vlad! i don’t know much about vlad, but he has always been amazing. he eats like a horse and he’s very tall, and he has connections. meghan venable. i have only met her face to face twice, but she is probably the sweetest person i have ever gotten to meet. i owe her a coffee date this semester! dale davis! oh, how i love dale! what a crazy awesome guy! i hope we get to chill out again soon… but the best person of all? that’s right…. where in the world would i be without my amanda mae? and no, it’s not because you and i are the only people that read this blog, but you really have saved me, doll. i love you!!  

do you ever just need rain? does that even make sense? there are times when i hurt so badly inside that i don’t feel like it’s fair that the sun can shine. at least this time i got my wish…. and it’s so contradictory, because rain can be so happy sometimes! and it’s my favorite form of precipitation, too. that’s what’s so funny. maybe i like it so much because it almost gives me an excuse to feel sad. i really like thunderstorms, though. its like God is just reminding us that He’s up there and that He’s pretty dang powerful. it’s like a reality check from the big man. i’m afraid that more and more i’m starting to need those checks. unfortunately, georgia is currently under a severe drought…… 

so this is my first ever experience writing a blog, and i hope it won’t disappoint anyone. it may take me a little while to work out all the kinks, but bear with me! foe those of you that don’t know me very well, welcome to my blog! i’ll use this first entry to attempt to define a few aspects of my life. let’s see….

• i’m currently a student at georgia tech, which doesn’t mean i’m any smarter than anyone else. it just means that i perfected the art of bs-ing my way through applications! i’m a polymer, textile, and fiber engineering major at the moment. that just means that i’ll get to play with plastic when i graduate. hopefully, i’ll get to work developing car bodies for indy, or maybe do research concerning the creation of a carbon-based polymer that will help repair failing organs. but what do i know? not a whole lot yet… i gotta graduate first.
• i’m ready to be swept off my feet by a special someone. unfortunately, i’m a tough case to crack sometimes. but once i open up, however, i’ll think you’ll be pleasantly surprised…. i really just want a certain person to come back to me, but i know that won’t happen for a while yet.
• i try to not to regret the things i’ve done in my past. i find more that i regret the things i haven’t done more than what i have. i think i more regret that i’m not with a certain person more than i regret my actions.  
• i know God has a plan for me, but sometimes it’s so hard to just let him have complete control. i have yet to be able to completely relinquish control–even though i know it make life so much easier to bear most days.
•  i love winter. it is definitely my favorite time of the year. everything is so stark and desolate and devastating. it’s so beautiful! nature in its most vulnerable form, just the way God created it. and there’s nothing more haunting than the sound of leaves blowing on the sidewalk. speaking of leaves, i will almost always go out of my way to step on a leaf that looks extra crunchy! 
• i may not always look like it, but i’m a deep thinker. i love a good intellectual conversation! i especially love discussing things with robbie. he has the best conversations! i’m always prepared to have one, despite the circumstances.
• i any extremely against editing music. i believe the artist put the words in there on purpose and they should be enjoyed and respected the way they deserve. i am an appreciator of lyrics. yes, i do actually listen to the words. 
• i am a huge fan of coke zero. if aspartame really does give you cancer, then bring it on. my relationship with coke zero is what you would call an addiction.